Christmas is my FAVOURITE time of year!!

When the Christmas Tree goes up, the decorations and all the lights, my life gets just that little bit more happier. 

This time of year spent with friends and family makes me smile. We learn to love again, We gain stronger love for those who have always been there for us!

We eat copious amounts of delicious food, and we all just have a really really good time!!

This year, Jez and I are off fishing for Christmas with my Dad and a few Uncles. Im excited. The last hoorah with my dad before Jez and I leave.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and enjoy the time you get to spend with your family and friends!! Dont take it for granted.  

Being Young Is Not An Excuse

Being young is not an excuse for being stupid!! 

Just because you are 21 does not give you the right to be a dick. Does not give you the right to be disrespectful to anyone, nor does it give you the right to lie.. Nothing gives you the rigth to do these thing!! Nothing!! 

And I can not believe that you were forgiven as quickly as you were. Thats not even love thats just like desperation! 

Rant over!!!

I have been quite emotional lately.. Crying over little things, and being sad.
I have put it down to hormones, 'being that time of month' and all, but if it doesn't improve in the next few days i think it is going to be something more, I am feeling okay today, but i haven't really been doing anything. I tidied my lounge and did some washing and dishes. Watched some trashy TV and thats about it. I haven't gone out and socialised with anyone and i think that is here a lot of my emotions are coming from. Lately there has been not much positiveness around and that i think is starting to take its toll on my emotions...

Anyways, I have a bit of a sore throat today, its probably from sitting on the sidelines at netball yelling at the netball team. They won yesterday which is good!!

I should go and finish the dishes, just thought id sit down for 5 minutes and update my blog.


Have an awesome day and remember to smile:)

Sandcastles

I just want to share with you all this song. And the first couple of verses and the chorus.
But before you continue reading, I just wanted you all to know that it is going to be okay. And that it is fine to be scared to make the big decisions in life, especially when we're young and we've had them been made for us.
For me this song is life. Everyone's life. And at the moment I would have to say it is my favorite song and it's helping me deal with some stuff.

So, without further ado I give you
Sandcastles by Kate Voegele
(The link to the YouTube video is after the lyrics)

I got this ticket in my hand
And I got a long, long day ahead
And I got a hell of a lot of reasons to be sad
But I've got a hundred more that keep me coming back

I got these worn out red boots on
And I got a brand new favourite song
And I can name some people who'd say that I got it all wrong
But I know plenty more who've been there all along

I'd rather make sandcastles
Instead of these wide-world decisions
I knew, I knew it all was catching up to me, yeah

Kate Voegele - Sandcastles - http://youtu.be/0rcPzahOTgo

Am I Enough?

Just hoping one day I'll mean enough. Just enough to be stuck up for, enough not to need reminding about my birthday, enough  to bring flowers, enough to be believed in, I just want to be enough to mean something in people's lives.

It's not about love. These people love me. They just didn't stick up for me when I needed them too. They didn't remember my birthday and had to be reminded. And I guess the last one just means I want more romance. Flowers, coffee in the morning, the odd dinner, even a cuddle every now and then.

Help

She's says to me "They never offer to help..." and I can't help but think, have you asked them to help... No. No you have not. Yet you are standing there complaining that they're not offering as far as they know, you are coping well.. if you want help or need help, you usually are going to have to seek it.

Never thought I'd have to compete for love of my father

I always thought that my dad would be there that I could count on him. But I guess now he has his new family  to keep him happy.
He never just wants to know how I am, and he only talks to me when he wants something.  We live in the same town and he can't even take the effort to come and see me, where I make the effort to go to his house and say hi to him and the kids.
It's just frustrating...
It's like I have lost both of my parents because they care about other people more than their daughter....

I Love Jez

It's so crazy how much love I can feel for one person. I'd forgive anything, I'd love forever, and I'd love big and strong

I love you because

You're eyes

You buy me chocolate

You're snuggly

Your sometimes do the dishes

You smile when I pick you weed/flower

You sometimes sweep the floor

You sometimes do the washing
All without asking 

You let me complain to you

You make me happy

You let me take my time - our relationship 

You're not intimidated by my past

You want to marry me one day

You like country music

You said you wanted to kiss me

You don't pressure me

Ben

You don't get grumpy at a messy house


Your kisses

You hold my hand when we walk. Sometimes

You've made me a better person

You kiss be goodbye every morning 

You're ball slap. 

You brought me ice cream

You love me back

You buy me little things when I say I dont want anything

I Just love you is pretty much all i want to say. Im sure as time goes on there will be more reasons to why I love you, But for now, All these little things add up to the big picture, :)

Feeling invisible

I have retarded parents.
I have a mother who is still with the man who sexually abused me for years and a father who needs to be reminded when my birthday actually is.

Sometimes, most of the time I am fine with it I can cope. But lately I see all these wonderful families and wish I could of had that when I was growing up. I know a lot of people don't have the perfect families and perfect lives but I think we can all hope for it.

I look forward  to being the best parent I can parent be and raising an amazingly beautiful family!

The best?

We are all selfish. We all want the best we can be. We all strive to be the best. We all want it. We all deserve. I think the problem is when we  start to think that we deserve it more than the next person.  We are all equals. We are all humans. When did life become such a "well I am better than you so I deserve it it" in an ideal, fair and equal society, should it be they're not quite there yet, how about we help them so there can be. That way there is more people who are "there". Where ever that "there" is.

We all talk about how we want to be fair, but cut people from our teams, our lives, or jobs,  just because they're not as good as us. Thats  not being fair. Thats not really helping any issue at all. What issue is that solution solving? None.
Unfortunately  I know we'll  probably never be like this, but feel for the little people.

Why are we not able to, as a society help out the little people, the people not as good as enough,  are we afraid that they'll then be better than us, they'll take our jobs, they'll take our spot on the team, they'll be higher on the social hierarchy  (oh no how devastating). What would be so wring with that anyway, why can't we just feel happy,  content, that we have helped someone grow.

They'll most likely pay it forward and help the next person along, which is great for our society.
We need to stop being afraid of not being the best i think. Be the best person you can be. And if that's not the best in your town, in your job, in your team in what ever you need it to be, you'll still know that you'll be the best person that you can be.

Another thing, if you are the best, would it really hurt if you did happen to let someone else have a go??

I think I will leave you all with that final thought..

Have a great moment.  Xx

My Immortal

http://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face—it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice—it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

...me, me, me.

This song came on the radio today at work. And I hate this song. Don't get me wrong it's a good song and I like so go that actually mean something and we'll this sing definitely means something.
I think what I dislike most about this song is the line 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone' because it describes exactly how I feel (what used to be every moment but is now every now and then) it pains me because i still have the memories and I don't want them anymore.

The line 'I've tried so hard to tell my self that you're gone' I know I never have to see you again, I know you'll never hurt me again because I won't let you!! The times I have seen you its crushed me, almost ripped me to shreds, felt fear rip through my body and almost tear me apart. 
But it didn't.  Thats how I know I'm strong. I have the power, the strength to be okay, to walk away when I see you, I don't have to hurt myself anymore, physically or emotionally. 

This song caused me to have the breakdown that changed everything in my life. Mostly for the good. For that I am greatful,  for the painful memories not so much.

It's hard.

It's hard when the people who are meant to be by your side no matter what, choose not to and they leave you to tackle the world on your own.
But then it's hard because everyone pushes you back to them and you don't want to.
Everyone always says, buts she's your mum how could you not talk to her.. how about you shut up and mind your own business, if I don't want to talk toy mother it's really got absolutely nothing to do with you!!

It's hard because you know you've told the truth and she has have chosen not to believe me and that sucks because you think your own mother would believe you.  It's not like it's a lot white lie. It's not like you would really make up a story like this, it's not like you would hurt yourself over what she thinks is a lie.  I don't think that being sexually abused for 8 years would be a lie. It's hard because every other person who knows believes me, why doesn't she. 

When I see her, she talks about him, and how wonderful he is and it's pains me because she doesn't even realise how much it hurts, usually seeing your mother would leave you with feelings of joys, not hurt.

Some days it's a struggle to not think about the things I have been though,  and it puts a lot of strain on the relationships I have. Especially with Jez. He must get so upset with me that I have so many bad days than I do good days. And I really try to make my mornings happy because that's the stepping stone of your day, but it's hard when you are having flashback dreams.

Now that I am going back to work and getting back into a routine hopefully things will settle down again and I can have more happy days than good days. Because I want nothing more than for my love to be happy. 💖💜

I think an important step for me to be happy and calm again is to start writing down my feelings. So I am going to try and do that once or twice or three times a week. It might help keep everyone sane in the house hold. :)

For now, off to sleep. Soo tired.  Xx
Night all.