My Immortal

http://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face—it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice—it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

...me, me, me.

This song came on the radio today at work. And I hate this song. Don't get me wrong it's a good song and I like so go that actually mean something and we'll this sing definitely means something.
I think what I dislike most about this song is the line 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone' because it describes exactly how I feel (what used to be every moment but is now every now and then) it pains me because i still have the memories and I don't want them anymore.

The line 'I've tried so hard to tell my self that you're gone' I know I never have to see you again, I know you'll never hurt me again because I won't let you!! The times I have seen you its crushed me, almost ripped me to shreds, felt fear rip through my body and almost tear me apart. 
But it didn't.  Thats how I know I'm strong. I have the power, the strength to be okay, to walk away when I see you, I don't have to hurt myself anymore, physically or emotionally. 

This song caused me to have the breakdown that changed everything in my life. Mostly for the good. For that I am greatful,  for the painful memories not so much.

It's hard.

It's hard when the people who are meant to be by your side no matter what, choose not to and they leave you to tackle the world on your own.
But then it's hard because everyone pushes you back to them and you don't want to.
Everyone always says, buts she's your mum how could you not talk to her.. how about you shut up and mind your own business, if I don't want to talk toy mother it's really got absolutely nothing to do with you!!

It's hard because you know you've told the truth and she has have chosen not to believe me and that sucks because you think your own mother would believe you.  It's not like it's a lot white lie. It's not like you would really make up a story like this, it's not like you would hurt yourself over what she thinks is a lie.  I don't think that being sexually abused for 8 years would be a lie. It's hard because every other person who knows believes me, why doesn't she. 

When I see her, she talks about him, and how wonderful he is and it's pains me because she doesn't even realise how much it hurts, usually seeing your mother would leave you with feelings of joys, not hurt.

Some days it's a struggle to not think about the things I have been though,  and it puts a lot of strain on the relationships I have. Especially with Jez. He must get so upset with me that I have so many bad days than I do good days. And I really try to make my mornings happy because that's the stepping stone of your day, but it's hard when you are having flashback dreams.

Now that I am going back to work and getting back into a routine hopefully things will settle down again and I can have more happy days than good days. Because I want nothing more than for my love to be happy. 💖💜

I think an important step for me to be happy and calm again is to start writing down my feelings. So I am going to try and do that once or twice or three times a week. It might help keep everyone sane in the house hold. :)

For now, off to sleep. Soo tired.  Xx
Night all.