I still and Always will Love you!!

1/09/2012 - 3/12/2012

This period of time, was probably the most important part of my life to date, I did so much growing and learning about myself in this period. And I only have one person to thank, The one and only Leith. and even though we are no longer together in a relationship, we still care for each a great deal. And  still love you, and I always will. Even though 3 months and 3 days is a very short time, You taught me a great deal, and I am sure that the next three months of my life are going to be just and learningful (yes, I know that's not a word :P)

A much as I know its not, I cant help but think that this is my fault, I keep thinking about all the things I have done wrong and the things you didn't like about me, and I feel like i messed everything up, And Yes, I know,  im not to blame and neither are you, it just is what it is.

But i still love you, Heck, it was only three months and three days. but you came to mean soooooo much more to me than you already did, it is hard to let that go, and i dont feel like i want to let it go.

One of those sleepless nights..

So Im like dog tired... That's a weird expression. Dog tired... I wonder how it came about.
Anyways. I am sooo tired. But i can't sleep.
So once again. New blog post. :p
Been staying at the boyfies for the last week to get my exam study done. And seeing as my exam was today, Im back at home. I don't know if its cos it feels weird not sleeping with him, or what it is.. Maybe i am just sooo tired my body is over tired. Cos i had the shittiest sleep last night. And to be honest, i don't really sleep well at leiths. But that's another story.
So my exam went okay. I really hope i didn't fail, just because everyone said that i would do so well.
Grr. There's a difference between IQ smart and EQ smart.. I may not be IQ smart but what i lack in my IQ a make up in EQ.
Just saying. I know Im not the sharpest shed in the tool, but does that really matter...
One thing that kinda bugs me about ppl, is they will say something that you dint quite know about and you'll say you don't know what they are talking about and they'll just scowl at you instead of actually telling you...

I've been pretty moody this last week. The smallest things have just made me want to cry and i can feel it welling up. Im putting it down to stress over exams and trying to find a house, but now both of them is sorted, it should be okay, So I'll see how i go this week... If not.. There could be a few other factors i won't go into just yet. I'll keep you all in suspense

But yes. I found a new place to rent. Extremely close to uni, and cheap cheap. Which is even better. I can get my savings back up. Hopefully. As long as there is no more unexpected shopping sprees. Hehe.

So Im not sure if i already told you guys or not. But no more bali. Just 3 grand of dental work that needs to be done.. My bad for not going to the dentist for 6 years. Lol.

Im more awake now than i was before. Dammit. Ohwell.
Ooh. I must go and change my address on everything now.. Lol. I must remember to do that.

Ooo also. The last thing i ordered for Leith has arrived.. Not sure if i.should give it to him now or not... Lol. We'll see how i feel next time i see him...

Anyways... I might go try to go to sleep land. Lol
I'll catch you all laters l.

Xx

Have a grand day!!
Ciao bella.

I should be studying...

I cant seem to study for my exam...

So i will write a new blog post instead. :P

Although I not sure what i am going to write. hehe

So anyways, I've been trying to find a new place to live, now that my lease here had expired.. but that is proving more difficult than i thought, With real estate agents not calling me back, and the other houses i have found on Gumtree not returning email, or calls... It is really quite frustrating, I might end up living on the street... Who knows, I might just go home fore three months until i find a house... Maybe not, To far away from Leith, :(( I don't know anymore... Something will come up.. I hope.

Apart from studying, I should really clean my room too... But I seem to be lacking motivation to do anything but sleep, and eat and facebook.. and yeah... :P


Leith and I have been going out for two months and two weeks today <3
He is pretty amazing that guy.

I know, I wrote something for him last night, and i was going to post it on his facebook wall, but I decided not to.. I'll post it here instead!!

Do you know what I love about you??

The fact you don't care that my face isn't done with make-up everyday.
The way you understand what I'm trying to say without me even saying it.
I love that you let me listen to Adam Brand, even though you do not like him.
I love that we took our sweet time actually getting together, because now it is right.
I love that you don't judge who I was, and that you understand my past.
I love that I can talk to you about pretty much everything, even though the words take a while to come out.
I love how it feels to be in your arms and you're holding me tight.
I love that we both LOVE country music.
I love that you are helping me grow into the person I want to be.
I love that you give me the strength to keep going, when I don't think I can.
I love that poem you wrote me.
I love that you put up with my randomness, even though sometimes I am pretty sure you want to shove me in a box.
I love listening to the sound of your voice.
Have I mentioned I love being in your arms??
I love your kisses.
I love that you make me happy.
I love your love for the country.
I love your cologne.
I pretty much just love how we are together.
I love that you are romantic, but not to the point where I expect it all the time, and it surprises me when you are.
I love the way you care for me so much.
I love how amazing you are to me, and that you don't realise it.
I love that when I am horrible, you still like me, and you still want to talk to me and you still care.
I love that it took us three times to actually start dating. Third time lucky.
I love how you still give me butterflies when I see you.
I love it when you make me a very sweet cup of tea..
I will love it when you make me a not so sweet cup of tea.
I love it when we are holding hands and it feels like you are mine forever.
I love the random compliments you give me.
Your sense of humour... Sometimes :P
I love that you weigh more than me and that you don't let your Spaghetti Bolognese infuse for two hours.
I love that moment I shall describe as "The Call".
I love it that I know that when I am cold, I can cuddle up to you, because you are always so warm.
I love it when you randomly bring me McChicken burgers.
I love the fact that I am into sports more that you are. Go West Coast and Holden. :P
I love that we have our kids names pick out already.
I love it when you shave for me, just because it doesn't bother me any more... This does not mean you can stop shaving :P
I love it when you try and teach me things... Like using chop sticks
I love it when you cook, Even though you always say it taste like poop, when it is actually amazing.
I love it when I get to wear your clothes.
I love that you haven't given up on me yet.
I love it when you hold me while we are sleeping.
I love how we used to go for walks at all hours of the night.
I love that night when we were laying under the swings, and that night that I didn't get home until 5am because I was having fun with you.
I love that you like my friends!
I love that your friends are amazing.
I love that you inspire me to follow my dream
I love that when I listen to songs, I hear lyrics and they remind me of you or us.
I love it when you tell me a joke, and I completely miss the punch line.
I love how all of these things I love about you, make me smile every day!

Eh, Just a few things I love about you!!
Xx

I might have to tell him he is going to have to read this post. :P

Can someone please clean my room, and maybe find me a place to live... Would be nice.. Please and thank you :P

I might just turn my music up and do some cleaning..

Ciao Bella

Xxx

Jess

Have a FABTABULOUS day!!

Thought I was doing better

Hey guys,

Ive had so much shit happening lately, I mean it hasnt all been bad, but the bad if just more at large latelt.Its kinda hard to explain it all, but I do have a poem that might explain a bit.

Ruinous memories you left me

to keep for life

left frozen under your ferociously moving hands

working their way to to your own profanes

heedless of my silenced, wrenched filled screams.

heedless of my days thereafter

your lips, they moved where they desired

your tongue, like ice cold fire

scars from the burns, obtained from your disgrace

shall remain with me to my end

this damned life you've given me

I am suppressed inside

jolted, trembling in haste filled hatred

I escaped your touch, yet here I sit

still suppressed within

here with nothing but the murderous scream of silence

no one hurt but me

listening to the scream of silence

left naked, stripped, violated and empty

still voided, lewd and bare

So yeah, 

Hopefully I work this shit out soon, I am thinking about goign back to counselling, but there was i reason i left in the first place, talking about this, it kills me, i cant do it, it so hard. 

But i know i have to, Not just more my sake, But for Leith, and the people around me, and for the future people i will know, but most importantly (other than me) is our future children.

Im going to leave it there,

Sorry about not being in touch so often, I'll try and be back and let you know whats happening.

xx

Got a few hours to Kill

Hey Hey guys,

How have you all been??
I am serious, Take amount to reflect how you all have been!! Have you been good, bad, reasonably well? i dunno, I just wanna make sure you are all keeping yourselves well.

Overall I have been well!! Kinda has a spaz moment on Tuesday, But I am really glad i have an amazing, supportive, caring, kind hearted, stubborn boyfie!! If it wasnt for him, i dont know what i would have done! Probably ended up in hospital or jail....

I guess i should probably explain to you guys what happened...
On Monday night Leith and I were texting having a relatively serious conversation, and I was trying to say something, but no matter how i worded it it just didnt sound right, so i told him its not something i wanted to say to his face, so we decided that we would catch up the next day (Tuesday) So pretty much all of Tuesday i was so nervous, and to make it worse, there was a guy at uni, who is a bit of a douche, who just wouldnt leave things alone, it pissed me off a little. Anyways, Leith picked me up from uni, and all i really wanted to tell him was how much this relationship is scaring me, and i am trying to hard not to runaway because i want things to work, Then we kinda of moved into things about my past i hadnt told anyone before, and thats about the point i got extremly angry.. Like more angry than i have ever been before, I was pretty certain i could have punched something and stab someone.
So amungst my fit of rage, Leith decided that we needed to go for a drive, SO we drove about 200k outta perth and ended up on a gravel road, on which we got out of the ute and layed on it looking at the starts. <3 Its was quite a nice feeling, Then at around midnight when we decided it was time to go home, we jumped back into the ute and headed home...
Then I told Leith about something that happened in my past that i hadnt told anyone else before. Not even you guys, and i am still not going to tell you guys, But anyways, Leith then Kinda got a touch angry, And by touch angry, i mean, pull off the road, stop, get out, punch the ute, get back in, kinda angry, Then we stood outside for about an hour talking about it all.
Then we decided we should probably head home, By the time we got back to my place it was like 3 in the morning, So i let Leith stay at mine, seaming as he had to get up in two hours, and if he drove home he would have had to have turned around again and go straight back to work.

So that was Tuesday/Wednesday, The rest of my wednesday, after i eventually got to sleep at like 6 in the morning when Leith left, I woke up at like 11, and then just did some study,

It was Wednesday night though, that I had the scariest dream of my life, I had this guy chasing me, and i was at the train station in perth, and all of a sudden i was laying on the ground while this guy raped me, All i really remember from the dream though was the guy trying to force his tongue down my throat, but i wouldnt open my mouth and his was just like licking my face. When i woke up i was so freaking scared, I didnt go to uni that day, I kinda just stayed home and layed in bed all day texting the boyfie, who was mean and woke me up. :p

Then onto friday, Friday I have to get up at stupid oclock (6am) to get to uni on time, But that was all good, I had a relatively good day uni, except for the both times i ordered coffer my order was wrong, :( ohs well. Then Leith picked me up from uni and we drove to Bindoon to house sit for a friend, And that kinda brings us to know....

Right now Leithykins is asleep on the couch, while i am sitting here typing, :p He is quietly snoring to himself. Its rather cute. ^__^ Dont tell him i said that. :p

I kinda wanna talk about something, without going into to much detail about, But last night, Leith and i were in bed together, and we were doing stuff (not sex) and it kinda triggered a memory, and for a while i was fine, (about 10 minutes) and all of a sudden, i just got this shocking pain in my stomach, like i have been im pretty bad pain before, but that was so excruciating i honestly felt like i could probably die, I dunno, no i have had some time to think about it all, i am thinking Leith was right, (yes i am admitting he is right) and it was all just stress related kinda thing, And where as i have kinda in a way, had this pain before, it was nowhere on this level, I guess it was kinda similar to a panic attack, but it was so scary, and i had no idea what was happening, It took about 2 hours for it to settle down, Leith wanted to take me to the hospital but i said no, actually i am pretty sure i said no about 100 times, we were just both being stubborn, He just cares for me, I know, but yh, its not really something i am too used to, having someone care, well at least that much anyway. <3 Xx  I kinda just feel bad for making him worry so much.

Anyways, I think thats enough of drama for one week in a blog, So i shall let you all get back to your lives

Speak Kind Words Xx

JessXx

I cant sleep. :((

So i can't sleep as you all probably figured from the title. :p
What better thing to do than write you all a blog.
This one is coming from my phone. So please excuse some mistakes or what ever.
So how are you all?? :p
I have had a major shit arse week. All started on Sunday with that argument i had with my little brother. Although Im not 100% sure it was all him. I have a feeling my mother may had been behind it... But well after my drunken night things just haven't really improved. Don't get me wrong. I've had some really fun/good/amazing/nice moments that have made me smile and happy (like last night) but my mood has generally been pretty sucky.
Haha. Last night was good. Well any time i spend with the boyfie is good. :p but anyways, we went to cue bar last night and played some pool. He kicked my arse. I won like 2 outta 6.. I think we played 6 games. I dunno. Lol.
Then, after getting some news on Facebook i didn't really feel like going home so we decided we'd go for a bit of a drive. We headed out to bindoon and i met his friend and her daughter. And then we decided to drive home... Oooh.. The fun part.. :p Leith is probably going to kick ny bum for saying this... But on the way home his :p piece of shit ford :p broke down. Hehe. Silly clutch peddle. So we fixed it Me being chief torch holder, which i must say is an extremely important job!! :p
But we made it back. I do think however, the best part if the night was just being there with him, holding his not so angular hand. :p and actually having a serious relationshippy conversation. And i say this because knowing both leith and i, we're not the greatest at using our words to express things. But it was just amazing to see how much we are both willing to put 'most' of our insecurities on the line and have a conversation. I must admit though, Leith did most of the talking and i did most of the listening. But that's just me at the moment. I love listening, and understanding. But Yh. It was just great to actually see how far we have both come. I mean 18 months ago, heck, not even 7 months ago we would have been like this.
Im actually glad and i know i have said this before but i am glad we are dating now and not any earlier on in our friendship, i dont think we would have been very umm, what's the word... Compatible... Yh. I don't think we would have been very compatible in the past. However i feel now, no matter what happens with us, we are able and mature enough to get through whatever this relationship will bring.
Fuck i probably would have majorly screwed things up. Its my thing.. I tend to screw up the good shit in my life... But with my Leithykins :p i feel things are different.. Its a feeling that's had to describe...
Anyways... I will be sure to keep you all posted.. :p
I should probably get some shut eye.. 
Night all
And remember
Speak Kind Words. Xx

Wow, Last Night...

So last night was a little weird.

I ended up in tears, and fighting with my little brother on facebook, swearing like a trucker, i also got a lot drunk... Which definitely was not a good thing to do.

Sometimes you feel that you can trust someone again so you decide to let them back into your life, but it turns out they were full of shit and you shouldnt have bothered cos they are just continuously going to bring you down. I feel like that with my little brother, I am not sure how much about my story he actually knows, but it makes it hard every time we talk. Like last night I had a status about missing home, and he said home with him (which is the farm where John lives and shit) and well I could never call that place home again, and well things just escalated from there.Thats when I decided I will start drinking, and I have always said to my self that I would not drink because I am angry/sad.upset or whatever, but I did, and i shouldn't have, I can remember, certain things, like punching my self, and scribbling extremely hard on my leg with a pen, crying, more crying, laying on the floor crying, curled up in a ball on my bed crying,sitting at my laptop crying, Taking swigs out of my bottles. I was just angry, its not like I was actually trying to hurt myself.
There were a few text messages, and facebook status which I have know idea what they mean.

it just sucks, because I have been doing so well with dealing with it all, but last night things just got weird and I have know idea..

Anyways, Things I have learnt from last night,
Dont drink when you are angry
My other is a bitch
The floor isnt that comfy to sleep on
You should probably stop drinking when you realise your texts are not making sense

Anyways,

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess Xx

Hey You!!

The awkward moment you almost burst into tears while cooking noodles. :(

Im not really sad or anything, and I have know idea why I was so close to losing it, something just hit me.
I guess I am just really missing home right now. I just wanna head to Benny, see my daddy, and the rest of the clan from out that way, And most of all, I just wanna see the stars again, and the gravel stones, and not have to worry about all the shit the city brings.  :( I will get there soon

On a more positive note, I honestly do have the most amazing boyfriend one can ask for. He is actually kinda  perfect. We had our first kiss last night, :p It was pretty funny. I kinda lost it laughing and wiped the slobber of my face, you see, it was like my first kiss ever, his probably 10 millionth, it was just funny, but cute.

I kinda feel like all grown upish in this relationship, it is kinda a little scary, Im new to all this, and im not really a fan of new things, I mean I am, they just scare me, I fear the unknown, which is rather stupid, cos there is so much unknown in the world.

Hmm, Im just going to leave it there for now guys. Sorry. Got a bit on my mind tonight.

But Thanks for reading, :)

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess Xx

I'm a B*tch I know

Wow, Its been a while. So sowwy guys.. I Know I promised at least a post a week, But these last few weeks have been absolutely hectic

Uni is slowly killing me with all of this study. Although, I did just write 2 2000 word essays in 2 days, man I was so tired, and stressed out. I cant even count the amount of times that I dropped the f bomb. :( 

What has happened since last time we have spoke....

I went to my cousins birthday in Benny. We had a bonfire, Caught up with my aunty and uncle. :) Got wonderful Kye Kye cuddles <3 Played with Jesse, Checked out the almost completion of our cubby house. :)) The slide is on now, Will get a picture next time I'm up there and show you all out Amazing cubby house. 

Then I came back to Perth, and realised my essays were due, so after my initial freak out, I had to kick my arse into gear and get these still essays done. 4 in two days, however the first two were only 300 each, but even though they were so small they were friggen hard to write, then my lovely (sarcasm) 2 2000 word essay. Man I was about ready to give up and quit uni altogether, But I didn't, and now I just gotta learn to organise my time!!!

What else has happened, 

Oh i have done a few loads of washing, and cleaned my room a few times. Made the yummiest cabbage,vinegar,bacon mix thing. So So yummy!! 

I have gotten a few more assignments to work on :( But I promise I wont start them the day before!! Don't think I could handle that again. I shall start them once I finish updating you all :) 

Oooh, I went for pancakes with Penny, and we got soaked in the rain, then we went to her boyfriends mates place for some radio show thing..that doof doof crap music, :p It actually wasn't that bad. I had a good night. :)) I love catching up with my penny, and having out little intellectual conversations :)

I dont think much else has happened...

Oh, wait, I almost forgot.

I got a Boyfie :P

He isn't to bad I guess. :p Joking, he is pretty amazing  :) 

I guess i better tell you all the story :p

Well, His name is Leith, And we met online (don't be freaked out) about 18 months ago

and we chatted for a while, then we decided that we would meet up. So we did, At the casino. Jasmine (imma have to tell you the whole story about her one day) and her mum came with me to make sure he wasn't a psychopath and was going to chop me up into little pieces. We spent the whole time talking, :p I mean who goes to the casino and spends 5 or so hours just talking and not gambling, He took a photo of my bandaid tan on my knee. Which apparently he still has... We continued to chat and seen each other a few more times, Then one night jasmine decided that she didn't like him, and she never had (even though she had said the after the night we met, that she did) And well her being my best friend I decided I couldn't be with someone who my best friend didn't approve of, so i told Leith that I think he should take a few steps backwards, which silly him, interrupted that that meant out of my life. Then I started stalking him on a fake facebook account, and eventually I told him it was me, and we started talking again, he was in a relationship whit a psycho slut whore face bitch. :p ( he agrees ) Then I kinda stopped talking to him again, cos Jasmine found out and went skitz, then when i got back from England, we started talking again, and caught up but at the time I was pretty fragile and no where near ready for a relationship. And we kinda stopped talking after that.

Now the juicy bits :p 

The other weekend, the weekend i went home for my cousins birthday, the day before it was Leith's party, and well originally I was unable to make it, then my daddy changed plans and was picking me up the next morning, so I decided I wouldn't tell him I could go and I would rock up and surprise him :))) And he was surprised. :) And we had a great night together, except me embarrassing myself on the cat walk :p 

We havnt stopped txting each other since, And well, It was eight days later that we were finally able to see each other again. :( Eight days wayyyy to long, And so yesterday, when we finally caught up, we went on a date, first we went to the movies and watched The Expendables 2. Totally a perfect date movie (sarcasm) :p But it was a good movie! I enjoyed it. Then he kidnapped me and wouldn't tell me where we were going, we ended up in Lanclin. Blah Blah Blah, :p, It was in this wonderful town that Leith decided to authoritatively inform me we were dating, lol, then told me to me to think about it, and of course i was going to say yes, I mean, who am I to argue with fate, I mean, if we weren't meant to be, we wouldn't keep popping up in each others life. So I told him, we may as well, :p He didn't like that, So I was like what do you want, a yes or something, :p Then I said YES I WILL DATE YOU  awwww aren't we so cute :p Then we drove an extremely long way home, but it was okay, I happen to like spending time with Leith. :p Then we got home, and he decided that he would lay on my bed an demand we watch Mcleod's Daughters. So we did. :)) Then I had to kick him out so I could go to sleep, which was extremely hard cos he is just sooo cuddly!!! But he eventually left, and then of course we were txting, but I fell asleep on him, (my bad). 

So that is the story about how I became no longer single!!

Now, this is like my first relationship in almost 2 years, And well, we all know I'm young an innocent and all that, But I want this to last for a while at least, :p So I guess that means Manning up, and doing a lot of new things. Relationshippy new things! But we also know that I'm not good at making the first move, or trying new things, But we will just see how I go and how things progress. 

With that I shall probably let you all get back on with your lives!! 

I promise I will try not to leave it so long before my next post. 

<3 you all Xx

Remember:

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess Xx

Update :))

Not much has really been happening this week. Major study week... Its crazy how it is only the third week and i feel so swamped with uni work already. :(( Stress Overload


But i am taking breaks and relaxing and keeping my life balanced with study and friends and that stuff, I am eating right and all that so its all good, Just a little sleep deprived, which is making me feel like I want to burst into tears.

That could also be because it has been a roller coaster of a week.
All starting with David rocking up at my door to stubbing my toe on my bed.

Do you know what annoys me about My feelings with David, It yes it is true, when i told him that i didnt have romantic feelings for him, i was telling the truth, and I know i cant tell him this now because he has a girlfriend and he loves her and whatever, but somewhere along the lines i have developed feelings, and i know that we could never be in a relationship because we are just to different, but that doesnt mean i am any jealous of him. Yh. This sucks.

I brought a new samsung galaxy tab 2... its pretty amazing, I am so in love with it. lol Its everything i thought it would be and more. lol. And today i brought coconut M&Ms LOVE THEM!!! lol. They are pretty amazing. lol.

I am really just babbling cos i dont really wanna write this essay lol.
I am totally the Procrastination Queen. :p

Looking foward to going home next weekend, I am a little over the city and just want to see some stars... That and i miss my cuddles and my bed. :p


I miss my best friend

One thing i dislike about living in perth, is you just cant go walking on a friday night... I miss that about the country, being able to go for a walk when ever you feel like it. Cant do that in the city, Sadface. :P

I happen to like the stars...


Hmm, I should really get back to my essay,

<3 you guys!!!

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess Xx

Sorryyy

I am so so so busy!!

SO sorry its been over a week guys, This new course is so crazy and I have been busy with my brain... Sounds weird hey, but all that thinking and stuff that the brain does. Also as i write this, I am in so much pain, I just did 10 hours of walking with out stopping... in flats.... Not cool. Its funny though, I went all day walking, and i wasnt in much pain, but as soon as i got home and rested for a few minutes. Boom!! PAIN!! Oh, Wait... swelling has accured, Im to afraid to try and stand, I know this pain... Achilles... I bet i aggrivated on of those stupid micro tears that wont heal. Damn, Bandage and Pain killers here we come!!!


Anyways, Ignoring this pain, I absolutly love my new uni course. I am loving the people I am meeting, and the content that I am learning. I cant believe I am finally where I want to be, I mean when I look back on where i have been, it is so rewarding knowing that i am finally where i want to be. :)

I really do love where i am, I mean I have the most AMAZING Daddy, whom i am so glad to have, and i know he will always be here for me. <3 I love You so Much Daddy!!! The rest of my Family is som great to me, and I know that they will be with me through thick and thin, i am so grateful to have them in my life. I have the most amazing SISTER ever. I am so lucky to still have her in my life after everything that we have been through, i never thought we would come out this strong, But we have and I admire her strength in everyhting she does. I mean, she puts up with my shit all the time!!! Shanae, you are amazing, and I probably wouldnt be here if it wernt for you and how much you have cared for me, your strength has pulled me through, an even though you are shorter than me, I still look up to you and admire you!!

But what i think is most important is how much i am at peace with myself now. I dont crae if i weigh 65 kgs, or my face has a few pimples on it, or that i havnt washed my hair in a few days, or even the fact the clothes i wear are all mix matched, I LOVE me, Andi have realised I am not actually here to make sure everyone else is well, without making sure that i am well first! It is time that i took control of my life and live it the way i want and not the way everyone else wants to. 

OMGOSH!!!

I caught up with Holly (a girl i did the Uni Prep course with) today in the city, thats one of the reasons we walked for 10 hours, well she left early, then i caught up with another friend, But we had such a good time, its so good to just be able to catch up with friends hassel free and not have to worry about anything, SO AMAZING. Holly is pretty amazing!! Such a funny and cool chick!! Also seen a frined from high school, Jordan, He is pretty coooool, Holly and Jordan got on really well, So amazing, :) its also good when a friend from one circle gets along with a friend form another circle. My friends are awesome!!!

But I love Penny!!! She is truly amazing!! She is teh friend i have my intellectual convosations with, and we can talk about anything and everything. Its great to have that person you can do that with, And it doesntmatter if we agree or disagree on things, cos we both understand that people have the different opinions, But we mostly agree on things, Yay.. We just need to catch up more :)))

What else has been going on.... OMGOSH!!! MEN.. They are so goddam frustrating.. (and yet, i am wanting a boyfie...) David and i have been argueing... 

• Jessica -  Okay, So Mayne, Tahlia  and myself see each other at uni all the time, Robert has given up and obvousily doesnt care about any of our friendships, David never replies to my textx anymore and therefore I have conculded that when he said that he still wanted to be friends and hang out/catch up he was lying, So Holly, If you would ever liek to catch up with me, Text me when ever, Weekend, Monday or Wednesday and i will gladly come and hang out. As for David and Robert it was great knowing you guys, even better knowing what my friendship meant to you... See ya all on the flip side

  23 hours ago · 
• 
  

  David Heath - What the heck?

  23 hours ago via mobile · 
• 
  

  David Heath - We can go tomorrow night or something. Managing church, uni, my own business, and work leaves me with less time. I reply to texts :O sorry?

  23 hours ago via mobile · 
• 
  

  David Heath - I'm at Mt lawley campus not at joondalup. I called you last week to ask for coffee but you were busy at campus...

  23 hours ago via mobile · 
• Jessica Matthews - Personally i find it pretty simple to understand. And No you dont reply to my texts... The last two texts i sent you were, "sorry wrong person, how you been" and "Hey Sorrry i missed your birthday, hope you had a good day, what you been up to" (paraphrased) And you replied to neither and it has now been 3 days..
  
  And well I cant do tomorrow night. And I know you are at the mount lawley campus, And wow, Last week, im pretty sure isnt the same as this week.
  
  Another thing,, Why is it always me txting you first, I get your busy with Church, uni, your business and work, Oh and I guess you forgot your Girlfriend....
  You were the one who said that you still wanted to be frineds, and yes i still wanted to be friends with you, but man i didnt know i was going to be the one who had to keep the relationship going

  22 hours ago · 
• 
  

  Holly Mercer - Wow... okay. Let's all calm down please. We are all really busy with our new schedules. And It is going to stay hard because we are all going down different roads. I don't want to see anyone fight.
  
  And Jess What are you doing tomorrow? Want to meet in the city? We really need to catch up :)

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Thats a copy and paste from facebook, And it probably would have kept going if holly didnt post, But once again, he didnt reply, Even though its not a text message we were wtill having a conversation and he just completely ignores me... He still hasnt replied to it... Probably wont... 

  
  

  But any I texted him today, and said that holly and i were going to go to the city if he wanted to come... but he couldnt cos he was hanging out with his girlfriend. Then in the same message he says to me, that i need to give him a break and that he isnt the enemy.. And that he is just really busy.. He also asked if i wanted to go to the movies (even though i already told him i was busy....) 

  
  

  I replied with i already said that i was busy, and then asked how hard is it to write a four word text "im busy, talk later"

  
  

  he replied with "Your right, Im horrible. Sorry" 

  
  

  I was so over his shit, i mean, why is it always me asking everyone to come and hang out, he has rang me once to asked if i wantwed to hang out,but i was busy, he hasnt rang or called again.....

  
  

  I just reokied with Oh. My. God!

  
  

  he hasnt replied...

  
  

  Ironic right....

  
  

  
  

  Anyways, As much as i am over men and their stupity, I really want a boyfie... I miss the cute morning texts, the hugs, the random flowers, and the feeling of being loved and needed. 

  
  

  
  

  Well I am pretty sur eyou are all sick of reading me complain about my life right now, I shall let you go and enjoy what you were doing before..

  
  

  

  
  

  Speak Kind Words Xx

  
  

  Jess

  
  

It Has Been A Long Week!!

Wow, I am so tired!

This week has been so long but has gone so fast at the same time.

My new course at uni looks really fun and I have met many new people.

This is only going to be a quick update on things, because I am rather tired, but I am also going to visit my Daddy this weekend, and still havnt packed or anything and im leaving in a hour or so. :P

There isnt really much to say. So I am going to leave you all with another poem.

I hope you all Like it, and I hope you all have a windrful weekend!! I shall write again soon

Speak Kind Words Xx
Jess

Pause

Just for one moment I wish my life was paused,

So I can give you a congratulations for all the damage you caused.

You cannot see what he did, it’s written deep within my face,

All the pain and memories I wish I could erase.

It’s hard to forget something that happened everyday,

It makes everything so much harder to be okay.

I may have only been your step daughter,

But what makes you thing that my hopes and dreams, you could slaughter.

I can’t close my eyes without you being there,

What I don’t get is, how can she be so unaware.

How could she not believe the truth over his lies?

She never loved me, surprise, and surprise!

I can not remember once sincere I LOVE YOU

They were all fake, all untrue.

But who needs them anyway?

It’s not like they would care if I died today.

So anyway, let’s give them a round of applause

Because in me now are so many flaws.  

Its been over a week. Sorry guys.

So sorry guys. I have just been really busy... Okay. That isn't really true. But I havnt really had the time to sit down and write a new blog.

Not much has been happening anyways.
I have done a lot of shopping. I would have spent about 1000$ since i have been back in Perth. My bad. Since important meant to be saving for my Bali trip. Lol.
However 360$ were on my uni text books.
Speaking of my uni books. My Sociology book is so boring. Its like trying to read a news paper article backwards. I think this unit will be my most challenging unit. My text book Basic Personal Co unselling is really interesting.

The others are not to bad.

But i thought i would give you guys a quick update as im sitting on the train heading to uni.

But not much has really happened at all so its a pretty boring update.

I shall post a better exciting one later this week. Hopefully i will have met some awesome ppl and learnt some new stuff to share with you all.

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess. :)

Needed to write this somewhere!!

So I just posted a facebook status saying:
"everybody always gave you what you wanted, never had to work it was always there" (Which are actually Simple Plan lyrics)
But my little brother commented saying:
"Not even. We had the same mum remember"

I feel like replying saying, No Robert, You had a mum that loved and cared for you and was always there in your time of need, the mum I remember neglected me in my time of need and just left me to fight my own battles when I wasn't strong enough!"

But its not him I am really angry at, And I don't really want to upset him. None of what happened to me is his fault, just because his father is a pig, doesn't mean that I have to take it out on him.


So I decided to say it anyway, Just because I know it will get back to her.
My mother doesnt realise how much she messed me up. And I am so lucky that I got through every thing, and I thank God and the people who helped me everyday because now I am on a path I never thought that I would be on1 And i am grateful and thankful for everything I have in this life especially my friends!

So i just got a reply from Robbie:
"Mums dropped me like a pile of shit jess. Dads the only one that truly cares about me"

Im not sure what to say, because i have know idea what he knows and what he doesnt know. I mean His Dad was the one who sexually abused me for 8 years, what am I meant to say... I dont want to upset him. I mean, i have only recently started talking to all the brothers again, I dont really wanna lose them again,....

So i ended up saying,
I am sure she loves you!
And I am sure that she loves me too, but there is no way that i can love her again
and he replies with, she may, but iv said she can jump in a hole a dig her own grave... I lost it laughing, My bad.

Anyways. I should probably get some sleep.

I shall leave you all to it!!

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess!!

PS. I realised i was talking about the ppl I thank and i am grateful for. I would like to just give a should out to my Best Friend and My Sister Shanae because she has been with me through this whole journey, even when she wasnt. I <3 you Squido!!

Back in the Big Smoke, And My Heart Feels Broke

Hey to you all again!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22zB6Soc2Gk&feature=related  > A Little Bit Stronger - Sara Evans


So I heard a saying the other day,
 "Never give up on someone you cant go a day without thinking about"


Upon hearing this saying, I couldn't help but think, about the person I think about everyday, which I guess would be fine, if he also thought about me. And its stupid, because every time I think about David and I together as a couple, I just know it wouldn't work, I mean, I cant be who he really wants/needs me to be. I am just waiting for it to get easier, and like the song suggests, Waiting for me to get a little bit stronger. Man I wish it would hurry up!!!


Anyways, On another note, I am back in Perth, Waiting to start uni. Yays! Although I am really missing being out in Benny, I almost cried myself to sleep last night, I was feeling so home sick. I went shopping today and spent way to much money!! But that's okay. I let myself I needed cheering up. :) 


I brought a new book and I cant wait to start reading it!!

Keeping Faith by Jodi Picoult 

  

I also brought a knitted cardigan in mint green, a new bra (although I hate bra shopping, but I needed a new bra and had to. It was so expensive to. I hate being a bigger size!!) and some new stuff for the kitchen such as new cups and 2 new chopping knives. And some chocolate. Hehe, I couldn't not buy chocolate. Lol

What else has been going on.... A new poem....

This was one I wrote after Matty passed and I wasn't in a good place. 

In Love

We said our goodbyes

We didn’t know it was forever

You were gone in a flash

What was I meant to do?

I was in love with you

I fell apart when you left

I felt lost and forgotten

I miss you so much

What was I meant to do?

I was in love with you

We met by the old oak tree

That’s where we fell in love

We said it was forever

What was I meant to do?

I was in love with you

Sitting on the rock on the farm

Best time of my life

The gorgeous sky

What was I meant to do?

I was in love with you

I kept all the love letter we wrote

All those kind words you said

Gosh, I miss you so much

What was I meant to do?

I was in love with you

I need you here with you

I cant believe your actually gone

I want to be with you

What was I meant to do?

I was in love you

I cant live without you

I need you by my side

I want your hugs

What was I meant to do?

I was in love with you

I would die to be with you

So that’s what I’m doing

I will soon be close

What was I meant to do?

I was in love with you

Laying in the bath

I can’t take it anymore

I sunk under the water

What was I meant to do

I was in love with you

I’m out of that life now

I can be with you

Were together forever now

I did what I meant to do

Because I will always love you.

♥ I miss Yooh. Always in My heart and never not. 

Its strange, thinking about David and I and I cant help but think what could have been. But i should stop thinking all this, He is with someone else, and I just have to live with it and move on, and stop living in the past and bring myself to the present and live that!! HA, I can only try 

I am really going to miss my friend Jack Daniels while I am in Perth.  We were just starting to get along really well and then I had to come back to Perth. Who knows, I might visit him while I am Perth.

I love the night Dad and I went tadpole hunting at midnight. It was so fun. :) A memory to hold onto forever I think!!

There a few good memories I am going to keep from this trip to daddies. ♥ Love him to the moon and back! I truly do!! But I wish he would saying he is going to die before he is 50. That is only in 10 years time!! And I don't want him to to die!! But I do however want him to stop drinking so much and smoking so much so he will live longer!!!! 

And on that note, I am off to have some dinner and watch some tellie!! I gotta start getting up at 6:45am. I mean, I happen to like getting up at 11. Oh wells, its better than 6, Hahah.

<3 all you guys

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess

Sup Sup Guys

Hey guys.

Hope al is going well for you all!!

Back to Perth on Sunday. I am going to miss being out here. But kinda glad to get back.

I got pretty good grades in my last course!!

UPU0001	Learning Skills	2012 Semester 1	75	D	15.000
UPU0002	Academic Writing	2012 Semester 1	69	CR	15.000
UPU0003	Foundation Mathematics	2012 Semester 1	74	D	15.000
UPU0004	Humanities	2012 Semester 1	70	D	15.000

So stoked!!

I am ready to take on Bachelor of Social Science now!!

Induction is on Tuesday. SO excited, Then first class on the 30th, J

I cant wait. 

Everything just seems to be falling into place. J

Caught up with Stewart the other day. (my twin.) He has definitely changed. More of a decent human these days.. haha. But in all seriousness it was cool to catch up with him again, lol

Our cubby house is coming along awesomely. We have the 4 foundation poles in and the floor on, now we just gotta build the walls and the roof!! Yays.

Here is a new poem I have been writing

I dont know what really went wrong,

You said I would always belong.

You turned your back on what we had,

It was worse that you almost seemed glad,

Like nothing we had ever mattered,

Here I am totally shattered.

Every memory playing in slow motion,

When did you lose true devotion?

One does not decide over night the're through,

You lead me to think nothing was askew....

Just trying to finish it off..

Anyways, I should go and find some lunch. 

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess

*Cough Cough* Sneeze Splatter *Cough*

Damn!!

I caught the Flu!!! 

I was meant to have my Flu shot before I came up to Daddys. But I ran out of time!!

I honestly hate being sick, Not only because, I cant sleep, I cant breathe and have no energy, But because I turn into a monster!! I am mean, I cuss, I get angry, I cry. Its like the worst thing ever. 

Its okay though, Im planning on kicking soon!! Been drugged up, sleeping, keeping warm, and having lots of chicken noodle soup!!!

The other night we went to the pub to celebrate a friends birthday. And it just so happens that earlier that day, David had sent me a message saying he has a new girlfriend (sorry if I let the cat out of the bag). And I was generally happy for him, but I couldn't help feel a little jealous. And I had had a few Jack Daniels, but I wasn't drinking cos I was upset or anything, I was just having fun, and these cans kept appearing in front of me and well i couldn't let them go to waste, so I drank them. Anyways, I was txting David, how he understood those messages is way beyond me, When I read them the next morning, I was like what was I saying.  for example I wrote

 "Im not drinking became of yoi. Its not like a dribk eveby night. Amd im nut snashed. Just haven fun. I now weare friends. I was generally, Happu for for yooi."

Lol. Anyways, I was just a little embarrassed. And i am generally happy for him and his new Girlfriend!!!

But the funniest part of the night, was when we got home, and Dad and I decided to go and find our tadpoles, which are through the bush and over a rock. Being drunk, and trying to navigate through the bush and climb over rocks is a difficult task. Lol. Anyway, We eventually found them, But not the ones we seen before when we walked sober. :p Then we had to find our way home, What a task. Lol. We found a fenced off dam, and we decided we would crawl under the fence and go check out the dam. lol. There was water in it. Then we forgot where we came in, so we had to find a new way out. Which involved army crawling on the ground and a very steep hill to climb down. It was fun. But we made it home at about 1ish. But it was a good night. I miss being able to go for a walk at night, You just cant do that in the city. 

Not much else has been happening, 4 more days until I get my uni results and find out if I get into my course! then I can head back to Perth and to all my Perthikins whom I miss lots and lots!

But I know When I leave here i will miss all my Bennykins lots too!! 

Anyways, I best be off and cuddle up on the couch with my blanky and my Teddy! Ciao All

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess