Its been over a week. Sorry guys.

So sorry guys. I have just been really busy... Okay. That isn't really true. But I havnt really had the time to sit down and write a new blog.

Not much has been happening anyways.
I have done a lot of shopping. I would have spent about 1000$ since i have been back in Perth. My bad. Since important meant to be saving for my Bali trip. Lol.
However 360$ were on my uni text books.
Speaking of my uni books. My Sociology book is so boring. Its like trying to read a news paper article backwards. I think this unit will be my most challenging unit. My text book Basic Personal Co unselling is really interesting.

The others are not to bad.

But i thought i would give you guys a quick update as im sitting on the train heading to uni.

But not much has really happened at all so its a pretty boring update.

I shall post a better exciting one later this week. Hopefully i will have met some awesome ppl and learnt some new stuff to share with you all.

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess. :)

Needed to write this somewhere!!

So I just posted a facebook status saying:
"everybody always gave you what you wanted, never had to work it was always there" (Which are actually Simple Plan lyrics)
But my little brother commented saying:
"Not even. We had the same mum remember"

I feel like replying saying, No Robert, You had a mum that loved and cared for you and was always there in your time of need, the mum I remember neglected me in my time of need and just left me to fight my own battles when I wasn't strong enough!"

But its not him I am really angry at, And I don't really want to upset him. None of what happened to me is his fault, just because his father is a pig, doesn't mean that I have to take it out on him.


So I decided to say it anyway, Just because I know it will get back to her.
My mother doesnt realise how much she messed me up. And I am so lucky that I got through every thing, and I thank God and the people who helped me everyday because now I am on a path I never thought that I would be on1 And i am grateful and thankful for everything I have in this life especially my friends!

So i just got a reply from Robbie:
"Mums dropped me like a pile of shit jess. Dads the only one that truly cares about me"

Im not sure what to say, because i have know idea what he knows and what he doesnt know. I mean His Dad was the one who sexually abused me for 8 years, what am I meant to say... I dont want to upset him. I mean, i have only recently started talking to all the brothers again, I dont really wanna lose them again,....

So i ended up saying,
I am sure she loves you!
And I am sure that she loves me too, but there is no way that i can love her again
and he replies with, she may, but iv said she can jump in a hole a dig her own grave... I lost it laughing, My bad.

Anyways. I should probably get some sleep.

I shall leave you all to it!!

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess!!

PS. I realised i was talking about the ppl I thank and i am grateful for. I would like to just give a should out to my Best Friend and My Sister Shanae because she has been with me through this whole journey, even when she wasnt. I <3 you Squido!!

Back in the Big Smoke, And My Heart Feels Broke

Hey to you all again!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22zB6Soc2Gk&feature=related  > A Little Bit Stronger - Sara Evans


So I heard a saying the other day,
 "Never give up on someone you cant go a day without thinking about"


Upon hearing this saying, I couldn't help but think, about the person I think about everyday, which I guess would be fine, if he also thought about me. And its stupid, because every time I think about David and I together as a couple, I just know it wouldn't work, I mean, I cant be who he really wants/needs me to be. I am just waiting for it to get easier, and like the song suggests, Waiting for me to get a little bit stronger. Man I wish it would hurry up!!!


Anyways, On another note, I am back in Perth, Waiting to start uni. Yays! Although I am really missing being out in Benny, I almost cried myself to sleep last night, I was feeling so home sick. I went shopping today and spent way to much money!! But that's okay. I let myself I needed cheering up. :) 


I brought a new book and I cant wait to start reading it!!

Keeping Faith by Jodi Picoult 

  

I also brought a knitted cardigan in mint green, a new bra (although I hate bra shopping, but I needed a new bra and had to. It was so expensive to. I hate being a bigger size!!) and some new stuff for the kitchen such as new cups and 2 new chopping knives. And some chocolate. Hehe, I couldn't not buy chocolate. Lol

What else has been going on.... A new poem....

This was one I wrote after Matty passed and I wasn't in a good place. 

In Love

We said our goodbyes

We didn’t know it was forever

You were gone in a flash

What was I meant to do?

I was in love with you

I fell apart when you left

I felt lost and forgotten

I miss you so much

What was I meant to do?

I was in love with you

We met by the old oak tree

That’s where we fell in love

We said it was forever

What was I meant to do?

I was in love with you

Sitting on the rock on the farm

Best time of my life

The gorgeous sky

What was I meant to do?

I was in love with you

I kept all the love letter we wrote

All those kind words you said

Gosh, I miss you so much

What was I meant to do?

I was in love with you

I need you here with you

I cant believe your actually gone

I want to be with you

What was I meant to do?

I was in love you

I cant live without you

I need you by my side

I want your hugs

What was I meant to do?

I was in love with you

I would die to be with you

So that’s what I’m doing

I will soon be close

What was I meant to do?

I was in love with you

Laying in the bath

I can’t take it anymore

I sunk under the water

What was I meant to do

I was in love with you

I’m out of that life now

I can be with you

Were together forever now

I did what I meant to do

Because I will always love you.

♥ I miss Yooh. Always in My heart and never not. 

Its strange, thinking about David and I and I cant help but think what could have been. But i should stop thinking all this, He is with someone else, and I just have to live with it and move on, and stop living in the past and bring myself to the present and live that!! HA, I can only try 

I am really going to miss my friend Jack Daniels while I am in Perth.  We were just starting to get along really well and then I had to come back to Perth. Who knows, I might visit him while I am Perth.

I love the night Dad and I went tadpole hunting at midnight. It was so fun. :) A memory to hold onto forever I think!!

There a few good memories I am going to keep from this trip to daddies. ♥ Love him to the moon and back! I truly do!! But I wish he would saying he is going to die before he is 50. That is only in 10 years time!! And I don't want him to to die!! But I do however want him to stop drinking so much and smoking so much so he will live longer!!!! 

And on that note, I am off to have some dinner and watch some tellie!! I gotta start getting up at 6:45am. I mean, I happen to like getting up at 11. Oh wells, its better than 6, Hahah.

<3 all you guys

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess

Sup Sup Guys

Hey guys.

Hope al is going well for you all!!

Back to Perth on Sunday. I am going to miss being out here. But kinda glad to get back.

I got pretty good grades in my last course!!

UPU0001	Learning Skills	2012 Semester 1	75	D	15.000
UPU0002	Academic Writing	2012 Semester 1	69	CR	15.000
UPU0003	Foundation Mathematics	2012 Semester 1	74	D	15.000
UPU0004	Humanities	2012 Semester 1	70	D	15.000

So stoked!!

I am ready to take on Bachelor of Social Science now!!

Induction is on Tuesday. SO excited, Then first class on the 30th, J

I cant wait. 

Everything just seems to be falling into place. J

Caught up with Stewart the other day. (my twin.) He has definitely changed. More of a decent human these days.. haha. But in all seriousness it was cool to catch up with him again, lol

Our cubby house is coming along awesomely. We have the 4 foundation poles in and the floor on, now we just gotta build the walls and the roof!! Yays.

Here is a new poem I have been writing

I dont know what really went wrong,

You said I would always belong.

You turned your back on what we had,

It was worse that you almost seemed glad,

Like nothing we had ever mattered,

Here I am totally shattered.

Every memory playing in slow motion,

When did you lose true devotion?

One does not decide over night the're through,

You lead me to think nothing was askew....

Just trying to finish it off..

Anyways, I should go and find some lunch. 

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess

*Cough Cough* Sneeze Splatter *Cough*

Damn!!

I caught the Flu!!! 

I was meant to have my Flu shot before I came up to Daddys. But I ran out of time!!

I honestly hate being sick, Not only because, I cant sleep, I cant breathe and have no energy, But because I turn into a monster!! I am mean, I cuss, I get angry, I cry. Its like the worst thing ever. 

Its okay though, Im planning on kicking soon!! Been drugged up, sleeping, keeping warm, and having lots of chicken noodle soup!!!

The other night we went to the pub to celebrate a friends birthday. And it just so happens that earlier that day, David had sent me a message saying he has a new girlfriend (sorry if I let the cat out of the bag). And I was generally happy for him, but I couldn't help feel a little jealous. And I had had a few Jack Daniels, but I wasn't drinking cos I was upset or anything, I was just having fun, and these cans kept appearing in front of me and well i couldn't let them go to waste, so I drank them. Anyways, I was txting David, how he understood those messages is way beyond me, When I read them the next morning, I was like what was I saying.  for example I wrote

 "Im not drinking became of yoi. Its not like a dribk eveby night. Amd im nut snashed. Just haven fun. I now weare friends. I was generally, Happu for for yooi."

Lol. Anyways, I was just a little embarrassed. And i am generally happy for him and his new Girlfriend!!!

But the funniest part of the night, was when we got home, and Dad and I decided to go and find our tadpoles, which are through the bush and over a rock. Being drunk, and trying to navigate through the bush and climb over rocks is a difficult task. Lol. Anyway, We eventually found them, But not the ones we seen before when we walked sober. :p Then we had to find our way home, What a task. Lol. We found a fenced off dam, and we decided we would crawl under the fence and go check out the dam. lol. There was water in it. Then we forgot where we came in, so we had to find a new way out. Which involved army crawling on the ground and a very steep hill to climb down. It was fun. But we made it home at about 1ish. But it was a good night. I miss being able to go for a walk at night, You just cant do that in the city. 

Not much else has been happening, 4 more days until I get my uni results and find out if I get into my course! then I can head back to Perth and to all my Perthikins whom I miss lots and lots!

But I know When I leave here i will miss all my Bennykins lots too!! 

Anyways, I best be off and cuddle up on the couch with my blanky and my Teddy! Ciao All

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess

Yo Yo Yo

Not much to report.

Starting to build our cubby house with Shelly. Its Looking pretty awesome. We have gotten all out support beams cut, next job is to cut the flooring to size. Then evaluate. We have had to change our plans a few times, At first it was going to be 7 metres long, then we had to shorten it. Lol. But its still going to be awesome!! Because I said so. :P Pretty excited to get it finished!!

I designed one that looked a little like this

Oh, I have fallen in love! <3 Milo from a tin. :p I bet you were all thinking, who is she in love with, she only just told us, she isnt ready to love. haha. I tricked you all :P I have a 1.25kg tin of Milo, that I love eating!! #Best Thing in the World!!!

Been addicted to eBay lately. But I only buy the cheap stuff, so thats okay. :p Brought a few scrapbooking pieces and a new cover for my phone. Yay Cheap Stuff for the win. lol


You know what else is pretty cool, left overs for dinner!! It means no cooking. :p I like cooking, except on dads stove!! he totally needs a knew one!! :P


Haha, I realised the other day that I needed to do a tax return, and I havnt done one in like 4 years, Oops, My Bad. hahaha. Time to go see the accountant!!  Lol. 


I have done nothing all day. And i am so tired. Lol. Its all good, I will just have to catch up on sleep soon! :P
One day. hehe

What else!! Oh. I take being ignored pretty awesomely I think. lol. I messaged someone today on facebook,       And they still havnt replied, but yet they have updated their status and have spoken to there people. And I decided I dont really care! Well i do a little, it just means, I am not as important as I used to be to them!

I think one day, I might move to America, Im thinking Nashville, New York, California or maybe Houston. But I was looking at houses and they are soooo cheap! and pretty. I love american houses. They are Cute!! ^-^

Cute Hey

Anyways, Dinner time, Just thought I would update you all, Talk Laters, Loves ya all

Speak Kind Words Xx

Jess :)

Hmmm. Brains...

I`ve been over thinking again. Naughty i know. But sometimes i just can't help it. Like now. I am laying in bed and thoughts just keep popping in my head. I can't seem to stop them, i just have to let them go

So i was thinking about the time i was called a "spoilt little brat" by the one person i know who has had everything handed to them. And it may as well have been on a silver platter. But what gets me is how, in any way in my life have i been a spoilt little brat. I have been though so much and i have had to fight extremely hard to get to where i am today. I was never handed anything because i never had anyone who would or could give me what i wanted. I was the only one person who could give myself what i wanted. And still to this day i am still the only one who can give me what i truly want. But i have learnt that people are there to help you and guide you. I look to these ppl for their guidance and help and i try my hardest to give in return. I have had people who have had to pick me up the pieces and help me more than the average person. But doesn't that kinda come with the circumstances. Every now and then i break and can't pick the poxy pieces up my self. How in any way this makes me a spoilt little brat is beyond me.
Another thing that i keep thinking about is the relationship between my mother and me or there lack of it

But what i have been thinking about is that the last 3 times that i was ready to "forgive" her as such, she managed to do or say something or that i will find out something that she said or done. How many times can my heart/soul/mind/body go through the heart ache of always knowing i come second to her. The first time i was going to forgive her i found out she impersonated one of my childhood friends on Facebook.

It crushed me to find out this. Two important people in my life knew and never told me. I think that is what crushed me the most. And then when told my best friend she turned around and said "and?"

I was so angry. I run outside of the house and didn't stop running until i hit the beach. I sat on the beach hours just staring into the ocean. Tears pouring out. I felt so betrayed by everyone. My mother, my brother (he knew from the beginning) and my best friend. It was well after mid night by the time i left the beach. It took an hour and a bit to walk home. Everyone was asleep when i got home. I was glad. I didn't sleep at all that night.
Then i went to school put on my everything is perfectly okay mask and went about my school day. Got home and layed in bed and cried some more. That went on for about two and a half weeks. Then i got over it and stopped crying, started laughing and smiling at small things then i starting to forget about the bad things that had happened and got on with my life and those two and a half weeks are now all a blur.

The next time i was ready to forgive my mother was just the other day. Then one of my friends was talking to my mother and she told me that she had said that after every thing John had done for me (pay for my braces, payed for my schooling, payed for this, payed for that and everything else he did) and this is how i treat him. (John)
Seriously. She wants to turn everything around in me. Only she can do that. Seriously. But for her to say it is wrong for me to treat him like that. Its ridiculous. It just made me so angry. What way am i meant to treat him. Huh.

Anyway. That was the last time i felt ready to forgive her.

Now i have all these people telling me i should talk to her and forgive her and stuff. And its hard to explain to them the terrible pain she has put me through.
And its hard to know if i will ever will be ready to forgive her again. One day i really do hope i will be able to forgive her. But i know that day isn't coming soon.
Lets get this straight though, I don't hate her anymore. I can kind of understand why she made her choice. Kind of. I mean anyone else i know would choose there children over there partner then ask questions later.
But apparently not her.

Right now im comfortable with how i feel about her. Not really thinking about her. Not caring what she says or does and just living my life without worrying about what she is doing.
Im happy. I havnt been in a while. But these last 5 or so months i have been pretty happy and content with my life. I feel i can get on with my life. I have amazing new friends who i hope will be in my life for a very long time.
I have family i know i can trust and whom i love. That's all i need. Amazing friends and family. <3

Speak Kind Words. Xx

Jess