Hmmm. Brains...

I`ve been over thinking again. Naughty i know. But sometimes i just can't help it. Like now. I am laying in bed and thoughts just keep popping in my head. I can't seem to stop them, i just have to let them go

So i was thinking about the time i was called a "spoilt little brat" by the one person i know who has had everything handed to them. And it may as well have been on a silver platter. But what gets me is how, in any way in my life have i been a spoilt little brat. I have been though so much and i have had to fight extremely hard to get to where i am today. I was never handed anything because i never had anyone who would or could give me what i wanted. I was the only one person who could give myself what i wanted. And still to this day i am still the only one who can give me what i truly want. But i have learnt that people are there to help you and guide you. I look to these ppl for their guidance and help and i try my hardest to give in return. I have had people who have had to pick me up the pieces and help me more than the average person. But doesn't that kinda come with the circumstances. Every now and then i break and can't pick the poxy pieces up my self. How in any way this makes me a spoilt little brat is beyond me.
Another thing that i keep thinking about is the relationship between my mother and me or there lack of it

But what i have been thinking about is that the last 3 times that i was ready to "forgive" her as such, she managed to do or say something or that i will find out something that she said or done. How many times can my heart/soul/mind/body go through the heart ache of always knowing i come second to her. The first time i was going to forgive her i found out she impersonated one of my childhood friends on Facebook.

It crushed me to find out this. Two important people in my life knew and never told me. I think that is what crushed me the most. And then when told my best friend she turned around and said "and?"

I was so angry. I run outside of the house and didn't stop running until i hit the beach. I sat on the beach hours just staring into the ocean. Tears pouring out. I felt so betrayed by everyone. My mother, my brother (he knew from the beginning) and my best friend. It was well after mid night by the time i left the beach. It took an hour and a bit to walk home. Everyone was asleep when i got home. I was glad. I didn't sleep at all that night.
Then i went to school put on my everything is perfectly okay mask and went about my school day. Got home and layed in bed and cried some more. That went on for about two and a half weeks. Then i got over it and stopped crying, started laughing and smiling at small things then i starting to forget about the bad things that had happened and got on with my life and those two and a half weeks are now all a blur.

The next time i was ready to forgive my mother was just the other day. Then one of my friends was talking to my mother and she told me that she had said that after every thing John had done for me (pay for my braces, payed for my schooling, payed for this, payed for that and everything else he did) and this is how i treat him. (John)
Seriously. She wants to turn everything around in me. Only she can do that. Seriously. But for her to say it is wrong for me to treat him like that. Its ridiculous. It just made me so angry. What way am i meant to treat him. Huh.

Anyway. That was the last time i felt ready to forgive her.

Now i have all these people telling me i should talk to her and forgive her and stuff. And its hard to explain to them the terrible pain she has put me through.
And its hard to know if i will ever will be ready to forgive her again. One day i really do hope i will be able to forgive her. But i know that day isn't coming soon.
Lets get this straight though, I don't hate her anymore. I can kind of understand why she made her choice. Kind of. I mean anyone else i know would choose there children over there partner then ask questions later.
But apparently not her.

Right now im comfortable with how i feel about her. Not really thinking about her. Not caring what she says or does and just living my life without worrying about what she is doing.
Im happy. I havnt been in a while. But these last 5 or so months i have been pretty happy and content with my life. I feel i can get on with my life. I have amazing new friends who i hope will be in my life for a very long time.
I have family i know i can trust and whom i love. That's all i need. Amazing friends and family. <3

Speak Kind Words. Xx

Jess