a developing relationship.
It is not where I expected my life to head right at this moment. But this was the path written for me.
And I don't think I am strong enough to make my own path yet. And anyway, I dont think I want to. I happen to like the path I am already on at the moment!
I have never had much luck with relationships in the past. Mostly due to different beliefs. My first serious relationship, I was way to forgiving. I forgave him 3 time for "sleeping" with my arch enemy. I was so silly! But once I realised he would never change, I decided that that was it and I couldnt take being hurt by him anymore! So I cut ties with him. I recently found him on Facebook, and he has been in a relationship for about 3ish years now, and he is still following his dream. Good on him I say! I wish him al the best!
My 2nd serious relationship was totally different. It was a bit of a Love At First Sight thing, We met while my family and his family were on holiday. We exchanged numbers and caught up every holiday after that. We had exchanged millions of text messages, hundreds of late night phone calls, many hand written letters, we pretty much knew everything abut each other. I should also say, that we were having this relationship in secret as my Mother and Step Father would not have approved, and his family didnt want him dating. I had told my Mother and Step Father that I was going for a walk and me and Matthew met up at the beach, It was an amazing night, Millions of stars, There was one candle on the beach, It lit up the whole beach. Once we sat down, and we were staring at the stars, Matthew turns and says to me, "Jessica you are one of the most amazing people I have ever known, you are strong but sensitive, kind but mean, but most of all you are the prettiest girl I have ever seen, Will you Marry Me?"
Of course I said yes!
We pretty much had the wedding planned anways. Well I did. haha.
We had spoken about it all before, That night laying on the beach was perfect. We set the date!! 25/05/2015
We both wanted to have our lives on track and begin our careers. And we had plenty of time to talk out families around. :)
I walked home the happiest girl that night!
( I think its a bit silly now and i know we never would have gotten married, but i was young and naive and someone loved me)
4 days later on Matt's way home from holidays, his family was in a major car crash, His mum, dad, little sister and Matthew all died. His Big sister was the only one to survive.
With No one knowing that we were together, I didnt find out until I seen it on the news.
Of course I was devastated. I also felt really angry at myself. Before his family headed home, we met at the beach to say goodbye. He wanted to kiss me, but I wouldn't let him, I said something to look forward next time. How was I suppose to know that there wasn't going to be a next time. He tried to hide his hurt, but I could see it in his eyes, I told that I would text him tonight to make sure he got home okay, He turned away with tears in his eyes. I had felt pretty bad, but i wasnt ready
I had texted Matt that night and when he didnt reply, I rang him when he didnt answer, I thought he was angry at me, But it wasnt like Matt and I hadnt had an argument before, and he never ignored me over it. I was so angry at myself for not letting him kiss me, I told myself that I needed to feel the pain he was feeling, This is when I started to cut myself. At first I didnt feel anything, it was just numb. So that's when you cut harder
The night I had heard that Matt had died on the news. I broke down. I have never told anyone the real reason to my break down. But here it is for anyone who wants to know. I broke down, I cried. I laid on my bed and Bawled my eyes out. The rest is all just a bit of a blur.
More about the ending of that story in the future.
I know Matthew is still with me, I can feel him, He is watching down on me and guiding me, When I think about him and feel sad, I can feel him saying Jessica, I dont want you to be sad, Go, live your dream! And it makes me smile every time. Although he is saying its still okay to think about him from time to time he understands that grieving is a part of life.
I have never had much luck with relationships in the past. Mostly due to different beliefs. My first serious relationship, I was way to forgiving. I forgave him 3 time for "sleeping" with my arch enemy. I was so silly! But once I realised he would never change, I decided that that was it and I couldnt take being hurt by him anymore! So I cut ties with him. I recently found him on Facebook, and he has been in a relationship for about 3ish years now, and he is still following his dream. Good on him I say! I wish him al the best!
My 2nd serious relationship was totally different. It was a bit of a Love At First Sight thing, We met while my family and his family were on holiday. We exchanged numbers and caught up every holiday after that. We had exchanged millions of text messages, hundreds of late night phone calls, many hand written letters, we pretty much knew everything abut each other. I should also say, that we were having this relationship in secret as my Mother and Step Father would not have approved, and his family didnt want him dating. I had told my Mother and Step Father that I was going for a walk and me and Matthew met up at the beach, It was an amazing night, Millions of stars, There was one candle on the beach, It lit up the whole beach. Once we sat down, and we were staring at the stars, Matthew turns and says to me, "Jessica you are one of the most amazing people I have ever known, you are strong but sensitive, kind but mean, but most of all you are the prettiest girl I have ever seen, Will you Marry Me?"
Of course I said yes!
We pretty much had the wedding planned anways. Well I did. haha.
We had spoken about it all before, That night laying on the beach was perfect. We set the date!! 25/05/2015
We both wanted to have our lives on track and begin our careers. And we had plenty of time to talk out families around. :)
I walked home the happiest girl that night!
( I think its a bit silly now and i know we never would have gotten married, but i was young and naive and someone loved me)
4 days later on Matt's way home from holidays, his family was in a major car crash, His mum, dad, little sister and Matthew all died. His Big sister was the only one to survive.
With No one knowing that we were together, I didnt find out until I seen it on the news.
Of course I was devastated. I also felt really angry at myself. Before his family headed home, we met at the beach to say goodbye. He wanted to kiss me, but I wouldn't let him, I said something to look forward next time. How was I suppose to know that there wasn't going to be a next time. He tried to hide his hurt, but I could see it in his eyes, I told that I would text him tonight to make sure he got home okay, He turned away with tears in his eyes. I had felt pretty bad, but i wasnt ready
I had texted Matt that night and when he didnt reply, I rang him when he didnt answer, I thought he was angry at me, But it wasnt like Matt and I hadnt had an argument before, and he never ignored me over it. I was so angry at myself for not letting him kiss me, I told myself that I needed to feel the pain he was feeling, This is when I started to cut myself. At first I didnt feel anything, it was just numb. So that's when you cut harder
The night I had heard that Matt had died on the news. I broke down. I have never told anyone the real reason to my break down. But here it is for anyone who wants to know. I broke down, I cried. I laid on my bed and Bawled my eyes out. The rest is all just a bit of a blur.
More about the ending of that story in the future.
I know Matthew is still with me, I can feel him, He is watching down on me and guiding me, When I think about him and feel sad, I can feel him saying Jessica, I dont want you to be sad, Go, live your dream! And it makes me smile every time. Although he is saying its still okay to think about him from time to time he understands that grieving is a part of life.
Unaware I was crying until I tasted salt water on my lips,
Unaware of all the pain until I released my tight grips.
Unaware of all the happy times memories I still got,
Unaware of all surrounds until I hear that gun shot.
Unaware you are still with me until I feel my tears leave,
Unaware that you are telling me it is okay to grieve.
Thought I would write a bit of poetry to go with tonight. This is about my feelings and Matt.
Anyways, Probably the first time I have been so honest about Matt.
Time to talk about the third serious Boyfriend. :P
I met Hayden at Clean up weekend at my friends house. To this day I am not sure why I was drawn to him. We always had a very weird relationship. I not sure how to describe it, It was like we were always waiting for the other person to mess up or do something just so one of us could start an argument. We had completely different views about everything, I guess when things really got bad was when he told me that he needs, and that I should move in with him, and considering he pretty muched lived in the same town as my mother, that was never going to happen.
On my 18th Birthday my friend at the time planned an awesome surprise, a limo picked me up from school, and we went to the beach for photos, then we went to a really nice hotel for dinner. It was a a good night. However, I was still on crutches from tearing my Achilles tendon and was in lots of pain most of the night. We did a lot of things the next day, that involved a lot of walking and a little bit of strenuous activity. When we finally got home I went to bed and that is where I stayed for 3 days and I pretty much spent the whole time sleeping. I woke to a text from Hayden saying "we guess were broken up then" I was confused, but somewhat happy because I was sick of our constant fighting over his 'needs' and my beliefs. Anyways, I sent back "I guess we are" He said "it was a question" I said "it didn't have a question mark, therefore, it was a statement. Its over" there were lots more back and forwards, but i don't really remember. Anyways, That was almost a year and a half ago.
There was a less serious relationship after Hayden, but we never got passed the getting to know each other stage.
Anyways Back to my developing relationship with David. (thats his name by the way)
David came into my life at a time where I really needed someone. Someone to listen, to give advice and someone who knew.
See I was finding it hard with my new friends at uni, Because if I was having a bad day, I wasnt about to explain my whole life story and how sometimes it makes me sad.
I had been sad for a few days, and my facebook paged showed that. David asked why. And I was sick of not being able to explain that sometimes I get sad because my past sometimes defines who I am, without someone asking what my past was. So I told David pretty much everything. And I felt a huge weight lift off straight away, then came the Oh No, did I do the right thing feeling came. And some days, I till get that feeling, But somewhere deep down, I know it was right because if it wasn't I wouldnt have done it.
Im not sure when David decided that he 'liked' me. Or when I started to pick up on his vibes. But I know it took me a while, Because I didnt know if he was just being friendly or if he was just being nice, I mean someone doesnt buy you cups of Chai Lattes all the time for know reason. Haha,
Now I know David reads my blog so I better not say to much.. Im joking, David and i are actually really honest with each other, :)
It was actually quite funny how I discovered that he likes me, We were in the Library studying, and it was basically our last day at uni together, so i organised a last catch up sorta thing, and as i went down to meet a friend, I was telling Bonnie (the grandma of the group) that David and i were up there already, and she asked if David and I had a 'thing' I laughed. I said I think he likes me, but im not 100% sure, I mean he keeps buying me coffee and always talking to me and we seem to always bump into each other, but im not sure if he is just being friendly, Bonnie was like Oooh, do you want me to ask him, And I said sure.
However when we walked into the room, I was in another conversation and didnt actually hear his answer.
We were studying (if you could call it that, we are the worst study partners, always distracting each other) and I asked him what he said, and he had said yes. Now, I immediately jump into Oh Know mode, Thinking of all the relationships.
But once I learnt we are both on the same page, taking things slowly and taking the time to get to know each other better (although he has the un fair advantage and knows pretty much everything about me) I felt better.
I was nice to know there isnt any pressure, like previous relationships.
So I am sure that I will keep you all posted on David's and I developing relationship. :)
But I have a feeling you are getting sick of reading all about me, and have something better to do, :)
Speak Kind Words Xx
Jessica
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